[ -aFTiRuSLi- ]® aDRiFT...BuT aFLoaT

2012-01-21T15:57:00.001+08:00

I watched The Help. Made my heart cry.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Almost every single day...

2012-01-15T16:00:00.001+08:00

...feels like those days when you don't want to get out of bed but you must because if else, you're better off ceasing to live.

Petty struggles, I know. Other people can barely pay their bills or put food on their plates. And here I am whining about my lack of willpower.

Get a hold of yourself. What happened to the person who used to make things happen? Where'd she go?

Apa yang tak cukupnya? I've everything anyone could possibly wish for. A fantastic family. A great guy. Awesome kid. Own car, own house. Money to spend as we please...what freaking else do you want?

I've obviously got issues. Time for wudhu' and then Zohor. What better way to achieve inner peace than prayer...
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

Relight my fire...

2012-01-13T00:04:00.001+08:00

...but why try when I'm just left with ashes. It seems as though I keep coming to a crossroad where my career is concerned.

Where do I go from here?

It's not that I don't want to try. But I think I'm old enough to weigh what's futile and what has even a tiny slither of hope.

If you see me as a pessimist, you're right. People like you make it hard for me to believe there's a point to all of this. We don't share the same principles. We don't even operate on the same set of values.

Whoever you once knew, whoever you thought I was or whoever I thought I was...she's not here anymore.

How do I meet your expectations when I don't know what I expect of my own self? At least I don't know what to expect of myself here...at this crossroad.....
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

2011-11-21T14:42:00.001+08:00

I really gotta go back to blogging. If for anything, it's to vent over whatever I need to and release some tension over. It's been a confusing year and there's so much to tell. I just don't know where to begin...

2011-10-24T21:49:00.001+08:00

I miss having a job that has purpose.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

2011-10-14T20:07:00.001+08:00

It's been a long time, old friend.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

So here we are again…

2011-05-18T18:22:00.001+08:00

…back to the threshold of unemployment. The difference is that this time, it’s not because I’m sick. This time, it’s full of hope and new opportunities. It’s amazing how you leave a big 4 firm and you literally have to just sit there and wait for head-hunters to call upon you. In that sense, Alhamdulillah.

On the flipside, I am intimidated by the offers that come by. The expectations, the unfamiliarity, the new responsibilities, the new people to win over…

All these apprehensions require a bowl of vanilla ice cream and hot choc fudge to mull over…

If this is another breakdown...

2011-02-18T23:37:00.001+08:00

...then it explains why I'm back here. What it doesn't explain is why I went back there.

Am I really that masochistic that I'd force myself into such mental, emotional and physical torture?

Do I strive to be miserable even when I could be happy? Could I be? Happy?

My friends are leaving. One by one. But does it really make a difference? I guess some do. Some just don't bother anymore. To each his or her own.

Which leads me to a bigger reason for me to leave (for good this time). Whatever notion of 'friends' that I thought I was going back there for, it's just that...a notion.

I don't know if it died down or maybe I was so jaded that I didn't realise it wasn't there in the first place. After over 6 years, I suddenly felt out of place, so unfamiliar with my surroundings and most of all...unwanted.

It's been half a year since I went back, and already I feel used, abused and misused. Short-changed. Big time.

But where do I go from here?
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

6 day holiday...

2011-02-02T17:47:00.001+08:00

...and all I feel like doing is catch up on sleep. Much to Jai's annoyance :).
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

2011-02-02T01:02:00.001+08:00

Test entry from Afti Rusli's
Blackberry Torch.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

What then remains...

2010-12-02T19:53:00.001+08:00

It's 7.17 pm and I'm back in office from KL, after waiting two hours for a meeting that ended up being cancelled. So here I am, back at work and concurrently convincing myself what I do has purpose. Which is kinda ironic because some of my friends think that I bloody am proud of what I do and what they do don't matter. What they don't know is for most times, I wish I had their jobs instead.....

I've gone through a lot of competitions throughout my life. But I do not go through my life like it's a competition. I can compete, but I'm not competitive. So I do not measure the worth of my friends based on what they do, how much they make, what car they drive, how many properties they own or how perfect their spouses and kids are. It already means the world to me that they consider me as a friend.

No matter how long the friendship remains, the persons within that circle will certainly change. Their lives will change, their statuses may change, their thoughts, outlook and opinions will change as they grow older and hopefully wiser. These changes will definitely widen the differences within that circle. But the differences shouldn't be used to reevaluate each person's worth to the point that it crumbles the friendship. We're not like buildings or machinery that need to be regularly evaluated to see its economic value to the business.

I just wish that you would see it that way too. You matter to me regardless. Do I even matter to you? Or am I just here when the friends that matter aren't there for you?

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

2010-09-14T11:40:00.000+08:00

Remind me again - Why did I go back to work? Of all the jobs in the world, why this one? I could have easily chosen something easier. Darn it. Again, I find myself in the same situation before I resigned. Exhausted and pissed off. Most of the times. Save the end of the month when my salary comes in. Sigh.

Time to dust off my Jobstreet account and make nice with the headhunters.....

2010-08-10T03:24:00.001+08:00

I know. I should update something. Actually, I’ve some news to tell. Not now though. Soon.

Germany vs Spain

2010-07-08T03:14:00.001+08:00

It’s 3.02 am and 33 minutes into the game with no scores from either sides yet. For the first time, I am not quite sure which team I’m rooting for. Bro-in-law, Abang Is, is German. So that should be reason enough for me to support Germany. But damn, those Spaniards are so good to look at!

I have not slept a wink yet but I’m feeling extra energetic to a point where I have the urge to step onto the cross-trainer and go a kilometre or two. I read somewhere that when performing cardio exercises, fat only starts burning off after 20 minutes and one should not go beyond 40 minutes because then you’d start to burn muscle instead. Good to know.

It’s 3.08 am. Despite the sudden rush of adrenaline, it’s not an hour where my mind is at its fittest so bear with me as I ramble on random nonsense.

I wanted to update the recent post but I’ll have to postpone that until I’ve more information to feed it. 43 minutes into the game now. Back to ogling hot men in shorts…..

Point of no return?

2010-07-06T17:37:00.001+08:00

(I’m going to leave this blank until I figure out a way to summarise what has been hovering in my mind lately. Stay tuned…)

Me? Fat? Ppfftt!

2010-07-01T00:49:00.001+08:00

You know what’s worse than being fat? Being used-to-be-skinny.

I find that people are less critical to ones who’ve always been well, let’s just say well-endowed in every region. But if you’ve worn size 24 jeans most of your life and suddenly doubled in size after marriage, childbirth, work-stress, a diet of three grande cups of Starbucks per day etc, people tend to not be so tactful in highlighting your situation. And it cuts even deeper when you think you’re nothing more than blessed but then have people throw it straight to your face that “Hey, you’re fat now!” with a glint of evil pleasure in their eyes.

I say - WTF???!!!

Anti-social…

2010-06-28T17:21:00.001+08:00

is how I would describe my mood of late. What with people sharing just about anything and everything on their FB statuses, I’ve just had enough of it. I don’t freaking care if you’re being bitched about and need to bitch-back, or you’ve a horrible migraine, or that you’ve just expressed 10 gallons of breast milk!

Boundaries, people. Boundaries!!!

I’m no twit.

2010-06-23T17:20:00.001+08:00

Somebody asked me why I don’t ‘tweet’. I don’t know the exact reason but if I had to explain, I guess I’ve come to that age where I don’t mind so much not being in touch with the latest fad or the latest ‘in’ thing on the web.

Besides, I can’t even maintain this old blog. Setting up another account somewhere else would exhaust my weakening ability to remember stuff like passwords, usernames etc…

On top of that, do I really need to express my thoughts or what I’m doing every few minutes, seconds? It’s bad enough Jai thinks I’m on constant PMS mode. I don’t think I want to portray that with emo-tweets.

And I don’t think I’m able to summarise what I’m thinking about in 120 characters at a time when I may have a thousand different thoughts in one moment!

Argh! You’re right, old friend. Susah jadi Afti.

Not entirely depressed but…

2010-06-15T17:05:00.001+08:00

Been waking up fairly early these past few days. And yes, 10/11a.m. is early in my case. I’m also currently hooked on the Ghost Whisperer series so I find myself streaming one episode after another even when I’m close to dozing off.

At the same time, I have not and do not even bother to log on to my messenger services or check Facebook or anything else linked to ‘socializing’. Maybe I’m in my “what’s the point?” phase.

Apart from Eileen, Dalie and Elizabeth, who are very unique (individually and collectively), I don’t care much for others. The rest only look for me when they need something.

Anyway, it’s my mother-in-law’s birthday today. Selamat Hari Jadi Mak! Semoga panjang umur dan murah rezeki. Aamiiin. Can’t wait to see you this weekend!

George of the Jungle…

2010-06-10T14:53:00.001+08:00

…is a classic. It’s 2.50pm on a Thursday afternoon. I don’t mean to brag but I’ve just had the best nasi goreng cooked by yours truly. ;) As I watch George bang into one tree after another, I find myself loving the un-business of my day. No deadlines, no urgency, nothing to dread or look forward to. This is what I call – just being.

Where do I go from here?

2010-06-09T02:27:00.001+08:00

I think I need to get back to my career. Whatever it may be. I used to be so sure of what I should be doing to make a living…

At 4, I wanted to be the Agong. Trust the lack of royal blood to get in the way.

By 6 I was sure I’d be happy flying the skies as a stewardess or a pilot.

Then at 8, the whole revelation that someone actually signs on money made me pave my path towards becoming the Governor of Bank Negara.

So here I am, after a total of six years spent with two of the Big Four firms, at a crossroad which is starting to evolve into what may seem as a dead end.

I know what I do not want. But I do not know what I want.

Al-Fatihah

2010-05-31T21:30:00.001+08:00

Today we lost our dear friend, Sheema Wahid. She left behind a loving husband and a beautiful two-year old daughter.

We are learning to accept her passing. What’s still difficult to digest is the circumstance that she was forced to go through - http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/2ptd/Article

Ya Allah, tempatkanlah saudara kami di kalangan orang-orang yang beriman dan berikanlah ketabahan dan kesabaran bagi suaminya, anaknya serta keluarganya untuk meneruskan kehidupan mereka dalam keimanan. Aamiiin.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
Prevent the dogs from barking with a juicy bone
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come
The day up hence a plane flying overhead
Scribbling in the sky - SHE IS DEAD
Put great bows around the necks of the public doves
Let traffic policemen wear white cotton gloves
She was my north, my south, my east, my west
My working week, my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever
I was wrong
The stars are not wanted now
Goodnight everyone
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Put away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing there can ever come to any good...

Losing It

2010-05-17T04:35:00.001+08:00

4.23 a.m. Am about to dive into another murder mystery book. This is my life for the time being. It’s not so bad. Hmm, it’s actually quite a life-changer. One would think I’d have at least put on 10 kilos by doing absolutely nothing productive. On the contrary, I’ve lost 4 kilos in the last three weeks.

Being half Kelantanese, I eat very well. And by ‘well’, I mean a lot! I do not diet and I would fail miserably if I attempted to. Besides, I don’t believe in them.

But I’m also half Jawa-Selangorian, so I’ve crazy discipline, determination and perseverance in achieving my goals. One of which is to get back into shape and Alhamdulillah, I enjoy doing it along the way.

Does it work, whatever it is that I do? Let’s just put it this way. Someone laid out my wedding outfit on the bed when I got home last night. To muzzle my curiosity, I tried it on. It fits.

Next target – my old Levi’s! Aamiiin.

Nocturnal Ramblings

2010-04-22T02:14:00.001+08:00

OK. It’s 2.07am. There’s only so much one can do on Facebook. I don’t know what other websites to browse. But I feel obligated to optimise Jai’s investment in this new laptop so here we are. Trying to blog about something with substance but failing miserably.

Let me just tell you this though. My kid is still up and about somewhere upstairs. I don’t know if insomnia is hereditary but then again, she sleeps half the day away. So I’ve established that she’s actually nocturnal. We’re going to have a huge problem when she reaches a school-going age. I wonder if they have night classes at pre-school…..

Post Withdrawal

2010-04-21T01:29:00.001+08:00

The first few days were horrible. I felt out of place and out of mind. But only the first few days. Then came Monday. What an amazing feeling to subconsciously know that Mondays don’t mean a thing to me anymore. At least not for a while.

Don’t ask what I have planned because I don’t have a plan. I guess I came to a point where I just needed to get out. Escape. Then figure out where to go. More importantly, I need rest. Lots of it. Get myself back into shape, mind and body.

It’s almost 2a.m. For once, I am not up working on meeting a deadline or anything threatening like that. I’m just up.

That’s how I have been. Just chilling. Just relaxing. Just sleeping. Just surfing the net. Just blogging. Just anything and everything. Just…

Resigned

2010-03-26T13:46:00.005+08:00

Last 3rd March 2010, I made an impulsive decision to leave something that is and will always be a big part of my life. I have my reasons and I felt that if I did not do it there and then, I would never have the energy to do it ever. I do not want anyone here to see me at my breaking point. So, on 3rd March 2010, I took a deep breath, typed out my intentions and handed this in:

Dear Madam,

I am writing to formally notify you that I am resigning from my position as Manager with Ernst & Young Advisory Services Sdn Bhd. I will be serving notice as stipulated in my terms of employment.

My move to leave the firm has come as a difficult decision making process with me owing a lot to the firm’s role towards my professional and personal growth and development. In the past five years, the firm has allowed me to expose myself with some of the most driven and dedicated intellectuals. I am particularly grateful to the partners, GL and PSR as well as other senior members of the team who have been guiding me along throughout my professional attachment with Ernst & Young. However, the time has come for me to seek other opportunities and challenges.

I will render my full cooperation and assistance, wherever needed, to ensure a smooth transition process within the span of my serving the resignation notice. Once again, thank you for the opportunity and I wish the firm a successful undertaking and long lasting success.

Sincerely,
Rubaiti Afti Rusli

Here comes goodbye...

2010-03-09T21:56:00.005+08:00

"A resignation is a grave act; never performed by a right minded man without forethought or with reserve." Salmon P. Chase

I believe that I am a right minded person. I think I gave much forethought and thought of all things that needed to be thought through. Although, I did have many reservations in leaving it all behind.

It is very easy to resign when you have a solid reason that can be shared. It is entirely the opposite when you can’t seem to accept the reason for leaving yourself. Let alone convince others…

Crossroads

2010-03-03T18:07:00.002+08:00

And the countdown to the unknown begins. It was one of the most painful decisions that I've ever had to make and I hope I didn't make a mistake in doing it. This has been a big part of my life and I think it is high time that I let it go and see if it has given me good enough wings to fly.

I have always told you that I am leaving and I am telling you now that I really am.....

Masochism at its best

2010-03-02T19:56:00.000+08:00

I have just had the most shocking revelation. OK, it’s not that surprising. Maybe I’ve always known it to be true. Gasp.

I may be stuck here for most of my professional career. ‘Stuck’. What a horrible word. I wouldn’t put it as stuck. ‘Meant to be’. I am meant to be here.

Jobstreet has been a favourite haunt lately. Headhunters become frequent callers. But what is it that’s stopping us from taking the leap? Masochists, a friend once told me. We’re all masochists. We feed on pain and misery.

But is it really that painful and miserable here? Sigh.

BACK!!!

2010-02-28T15:14:00.002+08:00

So here we are again. I mean, here I am. Again.

Now that we've that sorted out, let's figure out what I may blog about, apart from the numbness that is my career. I've mentally come up with potential things to talk about and reasons why I most likely or not likely blog about it. They are:

Our new crib - May post pics (yeah, right) but not talk about it. Just thinking about it gives me wallet-aches. Spent a lot of our dough on this project and I can't deny that I love the outcome. But we've still got a way to go, so yeah, not a topic to discuss...yet.
The incidental finding, the operation, the biopsy, the results - Most definitely not something that I should or would talk about here.
"Get a new job" campaign - Well, I'd have to kickstart the campaign in order to talk about it, right? Now who needs a personal assistant/secretary/receptionist/tea lady????? I'm very organised when I need to be. Any takers?
My daughter - I've always reserved blogging about her unnecessarily. You know, like how Brangelina try their very best to keep their brood out of the limelight? Ahahhaa. Yeah, am no celebrity. But sometimes, in my head, I'd like to think I am. In my world at least. Give me a break lah. Besides, like a friend said, if I blogged about Natasha so much, would I have the same commitment to blog about all my kids just as much?
The "good wife" project - I've been attempting new recipes every week. Why? Because people who visit our house comment on how the kitchen looks like a showroom and the husband responds with: "A'ah, memang showroom pun. Kitchen ni for show je. Tak ada siapa masak kat sini." And because friends think that the only things I can cook up in the kitchen are boiled water, rice and all the flavours of Maggi Mee. The thing is dear jaded world, I can cook. Quite well if I put my mind to it. I just don't tell you people so I don't have to cook anything for anyone. Smart eh? :P
The fact that I'm fat - *Sigh*. I don't think I am. But my clothes remind me each time they refuse to freaking zip up, or everytime a button pops off, or when the jeans refuses to go beyond my thighs. Fugly sight.

I've to get going. Back to life.....

2010

2010-01-04T16:53:00.002+08:00

I have not stopped blogging. I just don’t know what to blog about. Every time I have something to say, I’d stop myself from saying it for fear that it’d be too depressing.
But let me tell you this. 2009 was one of the most productive, adventurous, exciting, scary, enlightening, tiring and eventful years of my life.
2010 is here. A good friend of mine, who happens to be an outstanding performer at work, resolves to slack at work. Another aims to diet like crazy. A few dream of finding their soul mates.
I’ve no resolutions. I never make resolutions. But if I was forced to, here would be a list of resolutions I may/may not/don’t intend to/have the will or ability to keep:
1. Slim down
2. Magically become pretty
3. Learn to restrain my temper
4. Pick up gardening
5. Import something
6. Change cars
7. Buy another house
8. Learn to cook (anything apart from Maggie and nasi and air)
9. Idiot cleansing
10. Take Mandarin lessons
11. Breed
12. Screw work
13. Swim more
14. Eat less
15. Leave work early
16. Eat at home more
17. Find a good aglio recipe (for someone else to cook)
18. Get addicted to football for Jai’s sake (or at least pretend to show interest :P)
19. Get a new job
20. Leave EY

I gotta keep asking myself little questions. Like where do I go from here?

2009-10-26T15:16:00.003+08:00

It's almost November. In a few months, 2009 would come to a close and most of you would be busy conjuring up new year resolutions that none of you intend to or have the will strong enough to keep. For me, 2009 is/will be one of the most eventful years of my life...

The x-ray that lead to the incidental finding, our trip to London, the resignation, the retraction, the surgery, the new house, the promotion, the mega expenditures, the biopsy results.....

A lot went by and a lot is going on.

Before the year ends, I need to figure out my action plans for the year ahead. My priorities need to be sorted out for me to make a change. To take that big leap. Even though I risk leaping out of the frying pan into the fire.....

So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow...

2009-08-20T12:52:00.001+08:00

How idle. This is what it has become. How could I have neglected my best friend for so long?

Time to dust off and clear the cobwebs.

I'll be back.....

Reboot

2009-06-08T20:49:00.003+08:00

Goodness, I haven't blogged for ages. I'm not sure I remember how. But then again, I may not have ever known how. I started recording my thoughts on my phone so, the following entry is a compilation of what went through my head for certain points in time.

30052009
I feel as though I'm falling apart but people are not allowing me to. I want to break down but there is no outlet for me to do so.

Every time my professional life battles my personal life, I get lodged in the middle. The word RESIGN marquees through my mind. But resign from what?

01062009
Most people here put their personal lives on hold for their professional progression. I am not most people.

02062009
What a day. I don't even know how to label it but 'good' is not part of it. It'd be the second, third, fourth night I cry myself to sleep? It's been four weeks since I got back from the UK. And it's been four weekends that I have not gone out. Instead, I've been pulling 15-16 hours per day working in front of the laptop. This is not healthy.

Today I almost lost my best friend. Today I made a new nemesis. Today I realised that one's strength may also become one's own weakness.....

Given the day that I had...

2009-04-08T00:22:00.000+08:00

one would think that I'd be fast asleep right now. Instead here I am, blogging from my mobile. I just need to sort my thoughts and let off some steam.

2009 will be quite the eventful year I foresee. At least for me. There's so much I need to tell you but I'm not sure if this is the appropriate channel. Even if it was, I would not know where to start anyway.

Oh boy, I just reread what I typed and it triggered to me that anyone else who read this will not for the life of them know what I'm talking about.

Ah well. I was just trying to cease this blog's silence.....

Breaking Point

2009-03-03T22:27:00.005+08:00

In my attempt to rest, I am failing miserably. So here I am blogging from my phone and wondering whether technology like this makes my life easier or just raises the bar for the definition of efficiency. The more things people invent to supposedly help things get done faster, the more people expect your output to be. Which eventually just leaves us at square one.

Truth be told, I am exhausted. Exhausted from trying to exceed expectations that are not even mine.

Give me a break or I will.

2009-03-02T23:48:00.002+08:00

Imagine that this is the happiest entry that you've ever read as that is what I meant it to be as I begin to type this. I do not have a specific topic in mind because a hundred thousand things are going through it right this second and for the past few days I have been sucking at prioritising my thoughts. Let alone prioritising my priorities.

So picture if you will the simple scene of a woman with a notebook on her lap, her toddler jumping up and down on one side of the bed and her husband fast asleep on the other.

This is my 'happy'. Even if it means nothing to you.

What then remains?

2009-01-16T11:38:00.003+08:00

The disheartening part of it all is that, no matter how deeply it affects me, I have the option to say: "I'm gonna take a break." All of us have our own exit points to safety and security.

But not for the people of Gaza. No breaks. No exits. No escape.

They are left the same query as Francis Bacon:

"What then remains, but that we still should cry - Not to be born, or being born, to die?"

With a love like that...

2009-01-01T10:30:00.007+08:00

He doesn’t surprise me with a bunch of roses delivered to the office.
He doesn’t bring me to expensive restaurants every night for a romantic dinner.
He doesn’t write me sweet nothings on pages and pages of lavender scented paper.

But he loves me. That I know.

He reaches out for my hand to hold whilst the traffic light is red.
He holds me close when we sleep at night.
He never leaves without a peck on the forehead and never goes to bed without an ‘I love you’.

He loves me despite the fact that I’m twice the size I was when we first met.
He loves me even though I randomly burst into insane rage for no apparent reason.
He loves me for all that I am and am not.

We may not be the couple out of a fairytale.
But what we have beats all happily ever afters.

For all that you are and are not, I love you with all my heart, Mohamad Shahrizal Emran.
Happy 3rd wedding anniversary and 9th year together, Sayang!

At age five

2008-12-25T22:16:00.008+08:00

My parents left for Australia to pursue their Masters Degrees.
The four of us (Abang Amri, Kak Amni, Asni and I) were sent to stay in Kota Bharu with arwah Mok (great grandma), arwah Tok Ayah and Tok Wan.

Tok Ayah was the Tok Imam of the mukim.
Tok Ayah rocked. He let us play ‘imam’ at the mimbar.

I went to a sekolah pondok. A tiny hut, almost miniscule really, next to the masjid.
I learned ABCs, 123s, Alif Ba Ta and how to count money.
But I already knew how to read and count.
I loved my sekolah pondok.

Tok Wan taught ‘mengaji’.
My kampung mates would gather around her at our living room and recite the Quran.
I khatam-ed the Muqaddam.

Mok would ‘gelek’ my old botol susu over armies of ants attempting food takeovers.
I hated the smell of formic acid oozing from the ants.

Mok would never let us go out into the sun without slathering us with Seba Med (sent all the way from down under) and slapping us with as much talcum as possible.
I loved the smell of Seba Med mixed with powder.

An Aussie named Adli entered our lives.
3G, video-conferencing, the Internet, webcams were not yet invented.
It would be another year before we got to see him.

Tok Ayah’s bungalow was not yet constructed.
We lived in a wooden house we now call ‘rumah buruk’.
The bathroom was open air.
The only water source was the well.
I disliked the toilet.
Tok Ayah would carry me to the masjid anytime I needed to go to the loo. The toilets there were more ‘modern’.

I didn't know what modern meant.
I didn't know the existence of English.

I was a kampung kid.
I loved being a kampung kid.

Just like age four, my life was still simple, but perfect.

Dying to Live

2008-12-24T09:54:00.006+08:00

"So I'll keep fighting to live till there's no reason to fight
And I'll keep trying to see until the end is in sight
You know I'm trying to give so c'mon give me a try
You know I'm dying to live until I'm ready to die "
~Edgar Winter~

I am 28 years old. And for all the years that I have been, I have never been known to have a great memory of anything and everything. But I do know that there are things that has happened in my life, significant enough for it to be etched in my mind forever.

And so as like the previous entry, we shall begin reminiscing on what may or may not have made me who I am today.....only if I have the energy, will and time to get there.

At age four

2008-12-22T23:31:00.006+08:00

I was an avid milk drinker.
I still drank from the bottle.
I made my late great grandmother make me Nescafe in the bottle and got hooked on it ever since. I’ve never tasted better tasting coffee since. Toffe nut lattes fair well but it can never beat my Nescafe-in-a-bottle.

My father bought me my first Mickey Mouse wristwatch. The one with Mickey’s hands as the watch hands.
I sat on the staircase for one whole day refusing to eat until somebody taught me how to read time.

I would sit next to my parents whilst they look through their work stuff. I remember them signing off on a lot of things. Signing stuff was important work I thought.
My parents gave me one of those free diaries. I would scribble squiggly lines (which I felt resembled my dad’s cursive handwriting) all over each page. And I would never forget to ‘sign off’ on every single page. This was important work I thought.

I learned to read.

My life was simple, but perfect.

In search of kindred hearts...

2008-12-22T14:40:00.000+08:00

Funny how as much as we hope for people around us to have similar views on life, in truth, searching for a kindred spirit is like looking for a good pair of jeans that can fit my big butt.

Often you end up highly disappointed with how uncomfortably different that person in front of you is. So you just sit there, blankly staring at him/her, trying to comprehend how in the world this person became your friend in the first place?

But I guess discoveries, be it good or bad, will always be a part of life.....

Here's to all my kindred friends - may we rediscover over and over again the meaning of true friendship...

What Am I Doing Here?

2008-12-16T13:51:00.002+08:00

Each day that we awake is a new start, another chance. Why waste it on self-pity, sloth and selfishness?

Roll that day around on your tongue, relish the taste of its freedom. Breathe deeply of the morning air, savor the fragrance of opportunity. Run your hands along the spine of those precious 24 hours and feel the strength in that sinew and bone.

Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It’s in our hands.

--Cathy Better

SIGH. I agree with you Cathy Better. However, it has been a year full of undue stress. And yet, here I still am. It is true that people strive to be miserable, even when they could be happy.

But if the contrary, why am I still here?

Others have moved on to greener pastures and bluer skies. What is keeping me here? Let us list the probabilities, shall we?

Here goes:
1. I am afraid of what the world has to offer me.
2. I secretly enjoy what I am doing.
3. I secretly love the people here.
4. What if it will end up as a case of ‘jumping out of the frying pan into the fire’ kinda thing?
5. I don’t really know what it is I like doing.
6. I don’t know where I’m going to.
7. I am terrified of the uncertain.
8. I am not brave enough.
9. I love the pay.
10. This place is a brand that carries a lot of weight. And I’m just worried that I have not stayed long enough to reap the future benefits of my investment here.
11. This place has crushed all my will and energy to leave by driving me too insane to think of other options.
12. Promises of a better tomorrow if I stayed.
13. I would lose my flexibility and creativity if I were to go elsewhere. At least I think I would.
14. Procrastination.
15. I just don’t know…..

So see Cathy, I DO WANT to be an artisan of my own life. I DO TRY to sculpt whatever raw material I have into something beautiful. I DO STRIVE to Picasso-ify my existence. But currently, my hands are tied up.

Coming up soon: “What I Really See Myself Doing”

Of nothing...

2008-11-18T10:39:00.003+08:00

As much as we go on complaining about this job, no other job can actually top it. At least, not at this juncture of our lives. With a scenic view of Petaling Jaya spilling into Kuala Lumpur from the 25th floor corner office of the Menara Millenium, it’s one of the subtle silver linings peeking out from all the hard work and stress that we go through.

Anyway, I am taking this time to lean back into my chair, clear my head, put down my thoughts and de-stress a little. I have to do this now because I foresee it being a long week ahead with lots of late nights.

Natasha has started talking. The basics - “Papa”, “Mama”, “Nak susu.” Or when I ask her where she left my hairclip, she’d say: “Oh no! Kat luar!” If she sees her Tok Pa going up: “Nak naik atas!” And last night when I sniffed the most horrid smell: “No no Mama. Asha tak eyyak.” She can even verbalise the scripts of Enchanted, Alvin & The Chipmunks, Madagascar, Happy Feet…you name it. Strangers may not comprehend what she says. But everyone that matters to her does.

*Sigh*. To be childlike and carefree. But then again, the children still have a long way to go. And I am happy and content with what I’ve achieved so far. Life has been good. For all that, Alhamdulillah.

Although, it would do good to release the child in you once in a while. Climb high up on the monkey bars, get messy in the sandpit or eat a triple-tier sundae and let it drip all over your shirt without a care in the world, and just for a moment --- LIVE.

Untitled

2008-11-11T11:07:00.000+08:00

The truth is that I am superbly busy.

Dalie, I know I promised you a counter-entry. And by posting this entry, it’d be ironic to tell you I’ve no time to log on to Blogger. But really darling, I’d do you injustice to respond to your entry when my mind is not geared to anything else other than completing this tedious project. Come end of December, we will think more clearly of love. More so cos it’d be near the third annum of my marriage. Ah, ‘til then you will be gagged by the massive volume of ‘jiwang’ness in my future entry.

*Clears throat* Sorry, overdosed the mushy mode a bit there.

Yes, I am superbly busy. At this moment, if you were to offer me “Time or Money”, I’d take the former. If life is so short, how much wasted time can we survive?

Dedicated to Gary Barlow's biggest fan...

2008-10-28T13:48:00.000+08:00

I am known to be a control freak. I am also not a fan of uncertainty.

But there is one thing in life which I believe needs to be tinged with a little bit of impulsiveness, a dash of zaniness, throw in a hint of foolish whim and a whole lot of confidence that the risk you’re about to take is worth the fall.

LOVE…..is about balancing risks and opportunities.

Without taking risks, opportunities may not surface. And when the opportunity comes, you have to take the risk.

LOVE…..is not a game to be played by the rules.

Because there are no rules. The heart wants what it desires. You cannot tell it otherwise. It does not reason nor does it negotiate. Give it what it wants and let it feel the consequence. If your heart gets broken, let it. Then try again. If it breaks again, so be it! Try again!!!

You, my dear friend, deserve all the love in the world. But right now, all the love in the world needs a little nudge from you…..

The hunt begins...

2008-09-22T21:46:00.002+08:00

If only I get paid for this. I'd be a thousand-aire by now. I need a new job. Something that does not require me to stare at the laptop so much and definitely something that does not make me squeeze my brains to pulp on a daily basis. (I wanted to include something that does not make me meet so many idiots, but that would be wishful thinking.)

I've changed the power of my prescriptions goodness how many times since I started working here four years ago and if I get paid for each time I get a migraine, again, I'd be a thousand-aire.

I was thinking of going into something that involves folding clothes. I am damn good at folding clothes. I have a system.

Or maybe something that encourages sleeping for long hours. Be involved in a sleep study perhaps. I have a system for this too.

Mira, I think we gotta start milking our milk delivery idea ASAP.

And Wills, if you're reading this, your rent-a-kid idea is so sadistic I can't even begin to tell you how wrong and potentially illegal it is. Please, please, please put a lid on it before I have to literally visit you in some ulu prison down under.

The Sartorial Interview

2008-09-17T17:04:00.005+08:00

Tagged by Flushhead aka Ninie.

*Job?
Johan (long lost buddy) quoted someone who once said: “Those who can't do, teach; Those who can't teach, consult”. I am mastering the art of telling you what you already know; but in a much much better way.

*Best sartorial advice from your parents?
Put on footwear when you leave the house, kalau tak cacing masuk kaki.

*Style icons
Audrey Hepburn I guess.

*Describe your personal style
What style? At work - usually suits. At home - baju kelawar (kaftan)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*I build my daily look around...
Whatever that is already ironed and fits.

*Personal Style quirk
Anything comfortable that fits.

*Favorite designers
Alice - my mom's seamstress.

*Most cherished item
Gap sweatpants and my blue batik baju kelawar.

*I feel best wearing?
Baju kelawar.

*The first thing I look at in another Sartorialist’s outfit...
To be honest, I hadn't the slightest idea what a 'sartorialist' is. I had to google it up. Therefore, I do not know what would be the first thing I would look at in a sartorialist's outfit.

*I always break this fashion rule...
"Be in fashion."

*I never break this fashion rule...
"Always wear undergarments."

*Never caught wearing?
Have to agree with Dalie. Hotpants.

*Most underrated item in menswear/womenswear?
Undergarments. Good support is always important.

*Dress to impress who?
Myself. I always impress myself when I can fit all the excess fat of this year's into last year's pair of jeans.

*Shine your own shoes?
Yes. I don't have a butler.

*Favorite stores?
*Sigh*. Zara/Dorothy Perkins for knitwear yang affordable. G2000 for suits. Pasar malam for baju kelawar. Love love Xixili for lingerie. :o)

*Your next “must have” purchase?
Baju raya.

*I only buy __________ in Europe.
cheese???

*I skimp when buying …
Jeans. What's the point of spending so much when you're not gonna fit into it the following month???

*I splurge on…..
Lingerie.

*Favorite item of clothing
I thought I've answered this. Gap sweatpants and my blue batik baju kelawar.

*Guilty pleasure
There's no pleasure in being guilty.

*Cologne, skincare
Clinique Happy, Hugo Red, Polo, Victoria's Secret Pear Glace lotions and J&J's Top to Toe wash!!!

*Most stylish city (Milan, Paris, London, New York, other)
People at New York walked around the city at 7am looking as though they just stepped out of the salon. But personally, working in this part of KL, you get to see a lot of stylish people too.

*When I was high school I wore?
White shirt, maroon vest and skirt, purple tie, purple & yellow striped socks, white shoes.....

*Sports?
Loved it. Note the past tense. I took part in almost anything and everything. Again, note the past tense. Now 'sports' involves jumping from our bed to the baby's bed in order to breastfeed her. This is an activity that happens several times throughout the night. So I am quite 'exercised'. No?

*Favorite fashion magazine?
Female I guess.

*Favorite vacation spot?
Kuantan for the seafood.

*Favorite neighborhood restaurant?
Ipoh Kopitiam in 14, Ili's Kopitiam and Sari Ratu in KJ, Kayu and Pelita in SS2, Manhattan Fish Market wherever you are!!!

Tag:
1. Mira
2. Pei Wei
3. Zufar

Bliss and Bless

2008-09-15T13:04:00.001+08:00

I fell asleep in his arms last night as the little one slept in mine. At 2 am in the morning, I understood the simple meaning of bliss. If I had to work day and night, constantly challenging my mind and body to odd limits, going home to this every day makes it seem less of a burden and sometimes even worthwhile.

I was not born unfortunate, neither was I born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Whatever I am and have today, it is by the great grace of Allah, my parents’ undying love and a lot of hard work and know how.

Life does not come with policies and procedures or operating manuals. Screw ups are a given. But to be feeling extremely happy and content at 2 am in the morning, I must’ve done something right.

In conjunction with this beautiful month of Ramadhan, I wish all of you a wonderfully blessed life. Aamiiin.

It is exactly 1.42am and...

2008-08-27T01:05:00.006+08:00

I am up, awake and but of course, working. Same old, same old. Surprisingly, having everyone around me fast asleep kinda calms me. Eases the throbbing migraine that's trying to push my eyeballs out of their sockets.

Our project core team is only made up of three of us. One has tendered his resignation, soon leaving only two persons juggling to liaise, coordinate, audit, review, analyse and report on 200 institutions across the country that mean absolutely nothing to any of us.

For the past week, at least one or two of us would fall sick (viral, mental, intentional...you name it). Having even 'half' a person down could be detrimental to the project, team morale and worse - my mental state.

Today, my overworked brain attempted to have a day out.....out of my head that is. I could not get my eyes to open, let alone make my head leave the pillow this morning. So I called in sick.

Thus, I am up to make up for the idle hours of today. I am up because we have committed to present at least 50 completed reports by tomorrow and I have only done 5. I am up because some people do not take their jobs seriously enough to even try to deliver a decent product and make my life a whole lot simpler. I am up because, to ensure the project gets optimum recovery percentage to gain maximum profit, I am working at the oddest hours without charging a single second of my time to the project. I am up because as much as you say that I should not hold this burden on my shoulders alone, at the end of it all, when things go wrong, somehow I am responsible.

I love this job. But the work (and the people) are painfully challenging every strength and ability that I may think I have. Why do I go on doing it?

Because I still can.

Before I leave it all behind.....

2008-07-30T11:45:00.004+08:00

I wish I could tell you that things would get easier here. But it won't.

The nature of this job is not for those who wish for a carefree life. When you're here, you can't help but care. You can't avoid from being affected by all the ups, downs and dramas that go on around you. And sometimes, it is most unfortunate that you may get caught in one of those dramas. Leaving you clueless as to how you got hooked into all this. Why me? Why me.....

This current assignment will most probably be my last here. I will leave this place not because of the work, nor the hours, nor the stress..... I can push myself to great limits physically and mentally. But emotionally.....I am saddened and disappointed at the state all of us are in.

I am tired of caring about what the bosses think of me. I am done with going through bitching sessions with my peers. I no longer feel the excitement of providing quality service to ungrateful clients. I want out of all the throat-cutting and back-stabbing environment of this business.

I want to leave because for once, I want it to be all about me.

2008-07-15T14:42:00.001+08:00

AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Crazy Arrangement"

2008-07-04T15:36:00.010+08:00

What a week.

Make that, what two weeks.

Natasha was admitted into Pantai Medical Centre for pneumonia and that was where we were for the past week. It all started with a fever that came and went since two weeks back. This was seriously abnormal for a girl who, Alhamdulillah, rarely gets sick and almost never more than 2 days.

Anyway, it is not an ordeal that I would need to or want to blog about. I'm just glad she's all better and she's back to her cheeky self (including a scene where she harassed her paediatrician by walking up to him and giving him a look as intimidating as a mob leader's.....)

Tonight, I do not plan to blog about how the past week went. Instead, I wanted to express my disappointment at someone's perception towards how the past week went.

I understand that you started the conversation with your concern towards my daughter. And I do believe somewhere in that heart of yours, there is a teensy bit of compassion. However, with some careless statements, you have just dissolved my understanding and crushed my belief.

How dare you tell me: "Girl, something you really need to sort out - how u two can stabilise this crazy arrangement about work and natasha; u guys will be drained exhausted before u know it"

If you happen to read this and know that the above statement came from your inconsiderate self, let me just tell you this and I hope it gets ingrained in your mind:
1. How dare you describe my life as a "crazy arrangement"?!
2. The only thing crazy about my life right now is the freakishly huge amount of work we have to put up with in this job we have.
3. Jai and Natasha are my life. They are not arrangements!!!
4. I would like to re-arrange your head!
5. I bet you, you have no idea what exhaustion means
6. I am a mother, you do not want to mess with me. You have no idea how far I would go to protect my family from people who calls us as a crazy arrangement.
7. This job, as much as I love it, is just what I do to make money. And it's for me to support this crazy arrangement.
8. It's people like you that make us mothers question our place and worth in the consulting world
9. You may judge my work, my deliverables, my job performance. But don't you ever question how I deal with my personal life or my family!
10. I hope you NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER get married and have kids cos I am sure you do not want to experience this crazy arrangement.

There. I've said my peace. I like you sometimes, but most times, you are so MENJENGKELKAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SIGH

2008-06-25T13:49:00.003+08:00

It's 1.49 pm. So what if it's working hours. I need this break from the harsh reality of this place.

As we sit here on the 25th floor of Menara Milenium, I can't help but realise that it has come to the point where I don't just *sigh*. I literally verbalise it. SIGH. SIGH. SIGH!!!

If that is a form of relief, so be it. Let us all just swallow the pain and sigh a little louder.

For now, I feel like taking my eyeballs out and soaking them in a bowl of contact lens solution or anything alike.

*SIGH*. The price we pay to be on the 25th floor of Menara Milenium.....

This is the point where I should start kicking myself...

2008-06-21T21:47:00.002+08:00

as I am about to do the unimaginable.

I

would

like

to

make

a

startling

but

predictable

confession...

I SECRETLY LOVE LOVE LOVE EY!!!

Right. I said it.

It's a done deal.

This is no advertisement but I guarantee you there'll be no other place that offers such a massive opportunity for one to learn, experience, discover and utilise his/her utmost potential. At the same time, you get to work with the most amazing (and crazy) bunch of people you'll ever meet (apart from my best friends Dalie, Eileen and Elizabeth of course). If knowledge and sharing is your thing, this is the place to begin, this is the place to grow.....then with your head held high, fly away and spread the love.

I have a feeling that this place has lots more to offer and at this point, I still have the will and energy to linger a little longer.....

2008-06-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

I'll be back!

Yeah...Right

2008-04-30T14:21:00.006+08:00

There is this evil voice inside of me telling me that it'll be quite a while until I literally leave this place that's giving me so much unnecessary tension.

And an even more sinister whisper that provokes me to admit that I secretly love all the pressure and unpredictability of this profession.

Although I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted (berapa kali daa aku pakai phrase ni dalam blog ni), and yet I trudge on.

It is not just mere education, creative resumes, good looks (gimme a break, I'm depressed), and the great ability to, pardon my language, bullshit that got us consultants here.

It is our ridiculous yardstick of what defines hard work, our extraordinarily superhuman will, our continuing mission to connect more braincells by the second, our stubbornness to cease the battle, our dissing the importance of rest and sleep (and for some, hygiene?), our inherent need to accomplish the impossible, our hypnotic thoughts that tell us there's no life better than this, our relentless courage (and ultra thick skins) to be criticized and trumpled upon only to build satisfaction (and revenge) by rising above it all and proving everyone wrong, and most importantly, our strong belief that we are actually making a difference in the world.....one client at a time.....

Where and how do I begin...

2008-04-16T12:52:00.002+08:00

to even tell you what we have gone through. I have felt a spectrum of emotions. Physically drained myself. Stormed my brain at ridiculous levels. Travelled to the oddest (not to mention smelliest) of locations. Shed a tear or two. And blasted out good laughs here and there.

All in all, if I were to leave E&Y today, I would be content with what it has given me for the past years. No?

Then I'll just have to stay a little longer and see what it has in store for me. But only a little longer.....

2008-03-12T14:22:00.004+08:00

I drove subconsciously this morning and found myself suddenly facing Menara Milenium. How in the world did I get here with my mind not in tact? I seriously do not recall waking up, leaving the house or even driving. I exited my car adazed and amused at the same time. Driving to work has now become an embedded and automatic control. What fun.

If I were to rule...

2008-03-11T12:52:00.003+08:00

It's not because I am anti-establishment or that I am lazy or that I just simply did not care. I would have gladly done it if I had more faith and belief in you. If only you gave me something to understand and accept. If only you explained further what was to be comprehended and digested. But there was none. You offered me nothing. Apart from giving me an eye-sore and occasionally something to laugh about, neither of you told me what was it that you intend to do and deliver.

Now, repeat after me:
Specific
Measurable
Achievable
Relevant
Time-bound

With the above principal in mind, let's take on one issue at a time. First things first: I believe we can all work together, regardless of what stand or direction you guys come from, to embargo all use of eggs and taugeh in kuey teow, nasi goreng, meehoon goreng and all my favourite goreng-gorengs.

Then we'll address the negotiations with the toll concessionaires, escalating gas prices, depleting ozone etc etc...

2008-03-05T11:52:00.003+08:00

Happy 1st Birthday Afreen Natasha!!!

We love you loads little one! And to show you that, for your birthday, we'll let you eat your favourite poppadoms. Just for today. And only sekeping.

Remember, love you loads!!!

If I could change the world...

2008-03-04T10:33:00.003+08:00

About the same day I blogged about Natasha taking her first steps, she also became a full fledged 'walker' (if there's such a word). She transitioned from crawling to walking so quickly that I had a tinge of sadness that she's becoming more and more independent each day.

Anyway, about the same day I blogged about Natasha taking her first steps, I also made up my mind on the fate of my career. Visit me once in a while, and perhaps you'll witness some change.

Only maybe...

Getting things straight...

2008-02-19T10:30:00.002+08:00

The problem is that I have undeliberately or deliberately wiltered my spirit.

The solution is that I get over whatever that is bothering me and start anew.

And if I can't figure out what exactly is bothering me, that means nothing is. Perhaps and maybe.

Or the answer could be that I have lost all my marbles.

I believe that when I'm at my worst, it could be because, in my craze to chase all the worldly goods, I have forgotten of my responsibilities to God along the way.

That long meeting that went over Zohor, Asar then Maghrib.
That nagging deadline that strayed your mind away from Isya' and kept you up all night until you couldn't and didn't wake up for Subuh.

Ya Allah, give me the mind and strength to define and defend what is right, what is worth it and what matters.....

p/s: On a cheerier note, 11 month old Natasha can now walk. 10-20 steps, get bored and decide the view's better closer to the ground. She and Jai, they're my rock. Without them, you'd have seen me wandering the streets of PJ all a daze.

Balik kampung tanam jagung pun best...

2008-02-12T14:28:00.000+08:00

The reality (or at least what I think is real) is this:
1. I work for a Big 4 firm that although pays me well, expects me to constantly shit bricks i.e. work miracles
2. I know I may be exaggerating, but this whole career is an exaggeration of human capabilities which at some points gives me feelings of accomplishment (or the illusion of it) and which at most times makes me feel like a grand failure.
3. I am not sure whether I have the capacity (or ever had) to go on wondering whether I have the capacity. What more to pretend I have the capacity. And execute things as though I have the capacity.
4. I can do without the fancy suits and the corporate attire. Give me 'baju kelawar' anytime any day.
5. Some people who work here can be so berlagak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. After all that's been said and done, I am first and foremost and always will be a MOTHER. Working or not.
7. I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today and only to be recognised by meager mishaps is devastatingly demotivating.
8. Like it or not, this job is not for working mothers, what more a breastfeeding one.
9. Yes, I should start thinking whether this is the right career for me.
10. Yes, I should stop whining about this career as PW puts it: "It's just what we do to make money."

2008-02-01T01:13:00.000+08:00

I shall blog again. At least I hope I shall. Maybe I could blog my resignation letter and send the link to the bosses.

Hmm.

There's a thought.

One has been a consultant/auditor WAYYY too long if...

2007-12-17T19:22:00.000+08:00

1. Each time you look for your remote control, underwear, favourite pen etc, you mentally press CTRL+F in hope that the missing item would be highlighted.
2. You also mentally press CTRL+F when you're reviewing a hardcopy document.
3. You type each and every blog entry on Word first. Save a draft copy. With version control, mind you. E-mail it to yourself for review. Review the e-mailed draft and e-mail back to yourself the queries and edit points. Edit as per comments. E-mail back to yourself for final approval. After obtaining approval from yourself, then you post and publish the entry.
4. For evidence purposes, you make copies of all your spouse's phonebills (even though he/she pays for all bills in the house), highlighting irregularities and its frequency.
5. For number 4 above, you demand for an exception report from your spouse at the end of each month.
6. You have drafted, reviewed, approved and formalised the "Policies and Procedures for Washing The Baby's Milk Bottles, Teats and Friends Alike"
7. You freak out when your husband/wife does not follow the "Policies and Procedures for Washing The Baby's Milk Bottles, Teats and Friends Alike"
8. Each night when your brother and sister rearranges the cars in the porch without wearing their seatbelt, you sit them down later for an hour's talk on Enterprise Risk Management and interrogate them on the types of risks involved with driving cars.
9. The following night you order them to submit their action plans on mitigating the above risks.
10. You track the status of these action plans on the kitchen refrigerator.
11. You train your infant daughter to hold on to receipts until you have tested and tried the purchased product and ensure there are no defects before the receipts can be destroyed.
12. Yes. Destroyed. Leave no trail of personal transactions behind. This is to ensure that if and when you become a politician/celebrity/reality show winner/socialite etc, people can in no way whatsoever prove that you once purchased a ssshhhhhhh!!!.....Barney DVD.....

A Welcome Oddity

2007-12-11T00:44:00.000+08:00

Last week, as Jai, Natasha and I left one of our favourite haunts, a man followed us from behind and called out: "Dik! Dik!"

I thought I dropped something. The next thing we know, he held his hand out and placed 2 ringgit in Natasha's hands. He asked her name.

Jai and I were either shocked or amused or awed, I dunno, but we just stood still and stared.

Then the man said: "Hari ni rezeki dia." And walked off. As he did that, I blurted out: "Natasha." He turned and said: "Natasha. Hari ni rezeki Natasha." And he was gone.

We didn't know what was going on or what just happened. I think I said thank you. Jai thinks I said thank you. I don't know.

All I know is that as much as he made us doubt his sincerity or question his intentions, he also managed to make us smile for the rest of what began as a stressful day. And in all the possible dangers of all things unfamiliar in this day and age, this man made us believe that there can be good in strangers.

That day taught me 2 things:
1. When people do good to/for you, GET THEIR NAMES!!! We could kick ourselves for not even chasing after him to ask for his name.
2. I gotta teach Natasha not to simply take things from strangers.....

Sigh seems to be the easiest word...

2007-12-06T01:35:00.000+08:00

At 27, I find myself standing right in the middle of a crossroad. Smack in the centre. Me, with my laptop in the backpack, a diaper bag slung across my body, one arm around Jai's with handbag in my hand, Natasha in the other.....

Which road do I take? The career? The family? Myself? I can't seem to find the right balance!!!

It's 2.03 am. I am trying to take a break from work, so I decided to clear my mind by blogging. I want to share with you, "A day in the life of a work-mother-wife-daughter-sister-aholic".

Hmm *sigh*...forget about it.....just the thought of it tires me.

Anyway, resignations in the firm have been frequent lately...

Some do, some don't
Some will, some won't

I might.

And I'm telling you I'm not going...

2007-12-04T13:01:00.000+08:00

The song "And I'm telling you I'm not going" by Jennifer Holliday would never ever end up as my theme song in this firm:

And I am telling youI'm not going,
You can bet I will...
Even though the rough times are showing.
Showing? They can see how rough it is waaayyyy from the Arctic!
There's just no way,
Sure got a way one.
There's no way.
Got la.
We're part of the same place.
So not.
We're part of the same time.
I'm always late anyway.
We both share the same blood.
You wish.
We both have the same mind.
You've got to be kidding me...great minds think alike. Yours? Not that great.
And time and time we have so much to share
I try to share with you what I'm going through, and you still get the dough whilst I get into deeper shit.

Tear down the mountains,
Waste of time
Yell, scream and shout.
Waste of lung capacity
You can say what you want,
I never did listen anyway
I'm not walkin' out.
I will la
Stop all the rivers,
That's how tiring working here's like. Like trying to stop all the rivers...futile, futile...
Push, strike, and kill.
You'll never bail me out.
I'm not gonna leave you,
I am...
There's no way I will.
And I will.

Oh, I'm not livin' without you,
I'm not livin' without you.
I've survived fine prior to you
I don't wanna be free.
That's BS! Of course I wanna be free.....to blog all day...
I'm stayin',
I'm not
I'm stayin',
I'm not
And you, and you,
You're gonna love me.
If you insist, but I'm still leaving.....

Smiling For No Reason

2007-11-27T14:55:00.000+08:00

Babycenter sent me an adorable e-mail today. Writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations:
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
True that. Although, I never did stop to smell the roses. I restrained myself for stopping to smell anything. Not on the streets of PJ and KL at least.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.
Need more time to deliberate on this.
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
This is a whole other topic that I have to get into.....soon. Very soon. Maybe the entry after this.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
I have always respected my body. That's why when it tells me to call 1300-13-1300 at 1.20 am to order large Spicy McDeluxe Value Meal and Country Grilled Chicken Burger plus Oreos McFlurry, I always obey...
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
True true...
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
Na'uzubillah. I pray for my child's health, safety and happiness constantly...
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
When I was a child, I believed that 'Agong' was a profession. And that was my first ambition.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
I wish. Annoying clients still exist.....they just won't seem to go away...
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
I have to admit that I have mellowed down tremendously. (Whoever says otherwise is in for a bashing!!!)
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
Yes, I do! And to also think of yourself at the same time. Exhausting!
11. Every day is a surprise.
I reduced from a 29 waist to 26!!!
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
Whose bodily functions?
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
Well, I take a peek at myself once in a while...ehehe...but yeah, the baby mostly.
14. You become a morning person.
Oh, itu belum lagi.....masih satu masalah besar bagiku.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
This is my favourite observation. And it's oh so true. Thus, for this reason alone, I would like to encourage everyone to have babies now!!! You won't regret it. If you do, you're mentally and emotionally challenged.....

Once upon a ponder...

2007-11-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

You're right Calvin. I too liked things better when I didn't understand them. To some point, ignorance is bliss. Perhaps it wouldn't have hurt so much if I didn't take this job so seriously. But I take ALL my jobs seriously. And perhaps it would do me good to redefine and redesign my idea of what makes a good job.

2007-10-29T12:34:00.000+08:00

The parents of our Angkasawan sent their son off to space knowing the underlying risk that they may never see him again. But in all irony, it was their other son, whom they thought was safe on earth, that was to leave them forever.....

God is showing us that whoever you are, wherever you may be, whatever you may be doing, whomever you're with; nobody is invincible. Insya Allah, arwah meninggal dengan iman yang sempurna.

Al-Fatihah.

Apa kejadahnya itu 'morale'?

2007-10-23T16:16:00.000+08:00

Everyone’s morale is running low. And they tell me it’s my fault? What in the world is morale anyway? What is it for? Why does it matter?

Nobody ever cared about mine.

But I don’t blame anyone else if mine is as low as it can get. However and whatever I am feeling right now, it all depends on me. My emotions are my responsibility. I do not blame the job. I do not blame the profession. I do not blame my life.

So it hurts to know that others make me their scapegoat when it comes to their lackluster spirit. It pains me that they blame me for their disappearing fortitude…..

I admit that things have not been easy lately. You begin to see all angles of this profession. You start asking questions you were never meant to ask. You get answers that you never wanted to hear.

Maybe my instincts are right. Perhaps it is time to take a silent bow and make my exit. But at this stage in my life, it cannot and must not be my decision alone. I have too much at risk and so many things to consider.

But is the grass really greener on the other side? Is there really another side? Or are we all just kidding ourselves to feel better? I don’t want to jump out of the frying pan only to land into the fire…..

Jaded. We are all left so jaded.

Almost there...

2007-10-11T12:36:00.000+08:00

I know it's almost Syawal and I should perhaps find a fullstop to all this whining about how work is sucking big time, but the crap that this job gives me is just unstoppable.

I worked for approximately 24 hours from Monday to Tuesday. Almost non-stop. Only to take a couple of hours' nap. If nap means having your baby nuzzle up and feed while you struggle to slumber despite the discomfort. Believe me, I can't remember how it's like to go to sleep and not think of work, or how it's like to sleep with all the quilt for myself, or even how it's like to sleep without having someone treat you like a bottomless, on-demand, 7-11.

But yet I'm grateful. I'm grateful that despite all the worries and hardship it gives me, I have a job that pays very well. I'm grateful that I have a husband to fight over the quilt with. I'm grateful I have a baby who thinks me as her bantal busuk and loves snuggling up to me just for the sake of being close.

And I am grateful that I have this blog, where even though today I began typing with all the anger and frustration in the world, suddenly, in the midst of it, it let's me see the bright side of all this chaos and conundrum.

Alhamdulillah. I feel much better now.

It's 12.49pm and the client's office is as chilly as ice. 40 pages to go.....

2007-10-03T11:18:00.000+08:00

"I work best under pressure. That's why I'm here." Keep telling yourself that, Afti.

Not So Friendly

2007-10-01T13:26:00.000+08:00

For those who think the stupid Borat and Michael Jackson "Hello" comments you guys keep posting on Friendster are funny/friendly/courteous/thoughtful/cheeky/whatever, all I have to say is:

GET A LIFE!

If that proves impossible, go scratch your heads and contemplate on what you're worth to this ageing world.....

Making Sense of Nothing

2007-09-28T13:12:00.000+08:00

The buka puasa at Manhattan Fish Market with friends was a blast. Although I can't remember how the food tasted like as Natasha was not on her best behaviour. It's like that when she doesn't get to see her To'Pa the whole day. She gets ultra cranky. No amount of milk in the world would make things right.

Am currently in my corner office at the client's, freezing as ever, 5 minutes to blog and wondering when this job would go stale on me. Perhaps it already has and I can't smell the stench cos I'm used to it.....?

I need a 9-5 job where once the clock hits 5, my day ends and I get to go home without a single thought of work and all I have to do is just hold Natasha in my arms and smile from ear to ear. I need a job where I don't have to care for different companies at the same time but just my own. I need a job where I don't have to give a damn or even know the meaning of GLC transformation, red book, green book, orange book, corporate governance, risk management, liquidated ascertained damages, legal suits, variation orders, system notes, COSO framework...........argh!!!..........

I used to think this job matters. I can't remember why. Tell me how this job matters. Where does it all lead me? How does it mould me into a better person? What am I contributing to effect world peace?

I hope Jai's new office needs a receptionist.

Less Depressed

2007-09-25T13:12:00.001+08:00

Time for an update. On what. I don't know.

It's becoming like the status reports for this looonnnggg engagement I'm on. I sit for a good two hours every Monday morning just to figure out what there is for me to tell these people. What have I completed so far? What else do I have planned? What can I tell them that is different from last week? Cue 'bullshit'.

Anyway, what's happened since last entry? Well, aside from Natasha being able to say 'fish', nothing else much has occurred.

Speaking of fish, Jai has lost 100 ringgit worth of kelisa. Twice. First one died cos it was too sensitive to the water. The other decided to commit suicide and jump into the filter. We didn't know it was there and started blaming the cat for eating it. We hurt its feelings, it ran away. Jai cleaned the aquarium then lo and behold, there the fish was. Dead. Now all we have to do is find the cat and apologise.

Oh yes, something wonderful happened. 'bin Rusihan Amri was born. My biggie bro and wife recently delivered a gorgeous baby boy. Same doc that helped deliver Natasha. Datuk Dr Nora rocks. Literally. Welcome to the world, Amir Rushaidi. Love you to bits.

Work still sucks so we'll skip that.

Puasa has been like puasa. Just that this year, I rarely get to go to PaRams cos this job achingly sucks the time and energy for me to go. The upside is that this year, Natasha is around to lighten things up at the dinner table.

Tomorrow is a day I look forward to. Friends and family are what makes the craziness of this world bearable. To Ira, Ted, Mia, K'own, Mira, Ekang and the one to be born, I can't wait to see you guys!!!

Signing off with a smile, until next time.....

Balancing Act

2007-09-14T10:31:00.000+08:00

Jai has been away in Korea for the past week. His absence has made me realise how much a 'right arm' he is to me. This is not the first time that we're apart. It's just that this time, it's him that is away. And I am left to fend myself and Natasha whilst juggling a crazy job.

He is my North, my South, my East, my West,
My working week, my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song...

Work always has been, is and will always be stressful. This line of job either makes or breaks you. I'm not sure where I stand. Most times I feel that it has broken me into pieces over and over again. And yet, I stay. I don't know why. Perhaps they're right. Perhaps I do enjoy the tension.

There are days when I go home and feel that I did a good job. A great job even. With the recent promotion and real heart-racing increment, it got me thinking that I may have done things right. But then again, it could all be a tactical and strategic move to not lose personnel. Cos it sure faded my will to resign. Who knows. This is all 'rezeki'. I am thankful to Allah.

But I still ask myself: "How long more can you stand this?"

I don't know.

As for home affairs, Natasha is now 6 months and exhaustingly active. She can mouth more words now. Mama, Papa, To'Pa, To'Ma, Dada (uncles), Kakak, Cat...... In terms of hand coordination, she has become bored of the traditional wave and in anticipation of the coming Aidilfitri, she decided to turn the wave upside down and do the move which we all like to call: "Show me the money!" Ni Jai punya pasal la ajak Natasha tengok Jerry Maguire last weekend.

Anyway, it's 10.51 am and I am at the client's. They've just refurbished my office and I am enjoying my new chair. If you think I'm resting on my laurels, let me tell you that I've been working madly for the past 3 hours. I need temporary sanity, so I blog.....

To answer Ira's tag: The Many Ways My Child Tries To Avoid Bedtime/Naptime...

2007-08-29T12:33:00.000+08:00

I consulted Natasha on this and here's what she has to say:
1. Bedtime? What bedtime?
2. Forget naptime. The world is my oyster. I can't walk yet, but I am definitely gonna slide/crawl/tumble/roll through it and conquer it.
3. My mother is an insomniac. Why shouldn't I be? Maybe I should also start my own blog: It's Not So Great Out Here Either-A Guide for the Yet-to-be-Born
4. There are nights when I'd just go to sleep early and stay asleep the whole night through. Usually it's when my parents are not so stressed and are happy and think things are finally getting under control. So it's not really fun to test their patience when they're happy cos they basically accomodate anything. It's more exciting to stay awake on those nights when they're REALLY stressed up and tired and exhausted. Now, THAT'S! when it's worth it to see how far they'd go to entertain me...*winks*
5. Sometimes I pretend to close my eyes at say 1 a.m. each night. Then when my parents think I've fallen totally asleep, SMACK!, I'd whack my father's nose and chant "Pa Pa, Pa Pa, Pa Pa". Then my father would ignore me until my mother wakes up and yells: "Sayang, angkatla Natasha! Dia panggil you tu. I freaking work for 24 hours k! You ingat I kerja senang ke? Clients are hell! I have to freaking drive ALL the way to KL and it takes freaking 2 hours back n forth. I buat muka tak malu and express milk wherever possible even when people think I'm nuts and obscene. And now I'm still awake. I can't believe this. Angkatla..... Natasha selalu buat Mama macam ni tau..... Natasha ingat Mama gi kerja main-main je ke? Kalau tak Natasha pakai diapers je tau?! Kalau boleh Mama nak duduk kat rumah je main ngan Natasha...... You know I love you guys but I need help man, I need help. I have to resign tomorrow. I have to resign. This is not working. This job sucks. I hate my job." Then my mother would just trail off and ignore my commotion. And my father would pick me up like he always does and with half-closed eyes, he'd cradle me in his arms and take me for a walk around the house.
6. But the above only happens sometimes. Otherwise, I'm a real good baby, I am. I'd do most things on my own if I could. For example last night, I sang myself a lullaby. I can't help it if my parents find it distracting. How should I know that it was 4a.m.? I can't tell time yet!

On a much happier note...

2007-08-09T13:36:00.000+08:00

I am about to do something I've never ever done before and that I 'almost vowed' I would not do in this blog which is to talk about this particular person in my life, in detail. She is really one of the few persons who can make all things right and who, in consideration of recent circumstances, has managed to bring rays of sunshine through to my heart.....

Ladies and gentlemen,
meet our Afreen Natasha...

The little one in the picture above has just turned 5 months as of last weekend.
She can now:
1. Say 'mama', but then again she calls everyone mama
2. Say 'mapa'. This is especially for Jai.
3. Eat solids. Cos she stares at my ayam goreng kunyit with sup kosong and nasi so intently that I just couldn't resist... Though I did notla suapkan ayam goreng kunyit with sup kosong and nasi. I suapkan ABC. Ahahahahaha!!! Pastu kena marah kat my dad. So now dia makan rice cereal je. Satu suap for Natasha. Tiga suap for me. Sedap gila k baby rice cereal!!! Korang kena try.
4. Turn 360 degrees all around the bed when she sleeps. She sleeps with us though, so Jai and I just share a measly corner of the bed.
5. Be intrigued with books and anything with scripture on it.
6. When given toys or a carseat or whatever that comes with warning labels, she'd be more interested in the label than the item itself.
7. In her own world, WALK.
8. In her own language, TALK. A lot. Even when I'm asleep. She'd still be talking. Sometimes she talks herself to sleep.
9. Blog. On her Tok Pa's laptop. Open a Word document and she'd type novels! In her own language of course.
10. Wave back when you wave goodbye. Though she refuses to wave to me cos she knows what'll happen next.
11. Geleng kepala and get up when she's done eating or drinking or when she's bored with the person she's with.....
12. Also, refuse to go tosleep until she's made a trip around the house to every room to say goodnight and until we switch off all the lights in the house and prove to her that everything's dark and quiet. Dia ingat dia auditor ke?!
13. Interact with Noddy. But then again, so can I!!!

Adrift.....but afloat.

2007-08-06T11:43:00.000+08:00

I know I have not posted the 'sunniest' of all posts lately.
In fact, it has become more and more morbid as the days pass by.
Truthfully, this job is taking a toll on me. And add to that my home affairs. Hmm *sigh*...

The more I think of it, the closer I am to dropping my John Hancock on the resignation letter I've drafted out...

But we've just purchased a house. A house that would take the strength of two incomes to support. This is not the time for me to let go. Not yet at least.

One of my managers told me that I'm starting to lose my fire. 'Starting to lose'? It's gone! My fire's not fire anymore. It's turned into ash. Ash that's buried then washed away by the tsunami into nothingness. That's where my 'fire' has gone to.

I need to regain control of my job.....my life.....myself.
To do so, I need a little help from my friends.......

Freaked

2007-08-04T22:27:00.000+08:00

This is a freaking waste of my freaking time.
I'd be more freaking productive at home.
And some freaking people have to add more freaking useless things for me to freaking do.
Do they have no freaking idea how much freaking stress I'm freaking under right now?
Do they freaking know what it freaking takes to get this freaking job done???
Do it yourself you freaking lazy people!!!
I am not your freaking motherrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm freaking out.

2007-07-31T01:47:00.000+08:00

*sigh*

What's the matter?

2007-07-25T15:48:00.000+08:00

Work and life are currently going on a head to head battle.

Balancing priorities is not as simple as I thought. This is the choice one has to make. Be a mother or be a consultant. Be both and expect to cut corners. I hate cutting corners. I like my corners sharp and sturdy. I hate cutting corners.

Just the thought of typing out my days exhausts me. Therefore I shall not even bother telling you what I go through each day.

Big 4 firms can be merciless when it comes to choosing what matters. What matters is what puts the dough in their pockets.

But I LOVE my firm.

I'm just torn. And tired.

Perhaps things will turn out all right tomorrow. Only perhaps.....

Life is like a game of Tetris...

2007-07-03T19:08:00.000+08:00

Everything starts off steadily. Easy enough. Every piece seems to have its place. Everything goes exactly where it should.

Then you reach a new level, it gets a little faster, but manageable. Sometimes you miss a slot or two. Make a little mess. But still, you'll have chances to fix it, clear it and start over with a clean slate.

After a while, things get faster, more complicated, lots of pieces dropping in at the same time. One must stay alert of all surroundings to put all the pieces together.....and sometimes your eyes play a trick or two and you miss some. They fall without u noticing it. They make a huge mess. Other times, you do notice it but let it make a huge mess anyway cos you just don't have the capacity to act on it. Either way, you still make an effort to make the pieces work together to clear the problem...

And there will be a time when the worst happens.....the pieces just fall in too many too much too fast. You just can't handle the pressure. You slowly give up and let everything thunder upon you. At some point you even help speed the impending doom...

By then, you'd know that it's GAME OVER.

2007-07-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

I will. When I want. How I want. Stop pressuring me!

Spreading Thin

2007-06-25T17:28:00.000+08:00

Like a block of brand new butter. Slop on as much as you like and on as many slices of bread you wanted. It seemed endless. And it tastes oh so good. The butter delivered. Every time.

Then it started to get bent out of shape.

It's resources depleted bit by bit. With so many slices of bread to serve, one can only spread it scarcely just to get a mere taste. Cukup syarat we call it. It wasn't bad. But it wasn't as great as it was before...

Some people treated the butter well, wrapping it up nicely and putting it back in place. Trying to salvage its freshness and days of glory. Some just left it out and dry. Letting it mould here and there.

I don't want to end up like stale butter.....

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone...

2007-06-14T02:16:00.000+08:00

You, my dear blog, will one day cease to exist. I can guarantee you that.

For the time being, especially at this miserable hour of 2.17 am, I gather my arms around you for being my solace, for being my punching bag, for being my friend...

I have been up all day all night. I am tired out. Just by being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, an employee, a human being.....

But being 'tired out' is never an option. The world around her freaks out when a woman even THINKS she's tired out.

*SIGH*

It is time that the world realises, as exceptional as we are, women are mere mortals.
And because of that, just like this blog, we will one day cease to exist.....

Was life never easy, or do we make it hard for ourselves?

2007-05-31T00:21:00.000+08:00

Hmm *sigh*...

Sometimes I miss my simple Take That loving, bermuda wearing, Coleman carrying, tennis playing, pool swimming, pool playing days. Back then, the phrase 'best friends forever' kinda meant something. 'Kinda' being the operative word.

At this jaded age, I still believe in the existence of kindred relationships. I still hope for it.

Goodness, wake up and slap yourself hard til ur head screws on tightly, Afti. You're IN the most kindred of all kindred relationships you've ever been in.

But husbands don't count!

I need to up the ante on my effort to revive my social life. (If I had any in the first place. Currently it's with the McD's delivery guys.)

I seek people who'd out of impulse decide to binge on every type of Secret Recipe dish, even though each of us are big enough to cover the hole in the ozone. I seek people who'd follow me to Jaya and buy packets of Maggie and boxes of ice cream and lepak in front of the TV all day watching Take That whilst eating out of each others' plates. I seek people who'd order a huge Hawaiian pizza for us to eat as we fast forward and rewind through the love scenes of a Robert Redford movie.

Eh, wait seminit. How come all my seeking involves food?

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm hungry. It's 12.40 am on a Thursday morning. I haven't had anything to eat since lunch! Eureka! I'm hungry! I'm hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Sigh* I shall now go seek my ultimate kindred spirited mate - FOOD. Excuse me whilst I call my friends to send some food over.

Cue 1300-13-1300.

And with that my social life woes are resolved...

When I'm stuck with the day, that's gray, and lonely.....

2007-05-24T02:17:00.000+08:00

I've been rather miserable lately. I can almost here Dalie shout: "But you're always freaking miserable!!!"

Anyway, I've been rather miserable lately. A lot of things coming in and out of my head. It's not like I sent a whole batch of invitation cards to every trouble of the world... It's just that things can get real intense in my head. Real intense. Like playing Tekken intense!!!

Regardless of all my downs, Jai has been my rock and Natasha, my sunlight. Without them, I'd have long gone bonkers.

22nd May was Jai's birthday. I got him a PS2..........................................which he paid for. But it was my idea!!! And as they always say, it's the thought that counts.

Since then, our room has become the ultimate port for budak2/bachelors/bachelorettes/married men yang prasan bachelor/married women yang prasan budak....... Even the infant is into it. She'd sit on my lap or Jai's and follow every movement Tekken Paul makes (I love Tekken!!!). Like me, she doesn't like the aircraft simulator games and would end up nauseaus...or puking, whichever sooner.

2 weeks left and work would come-a-knocking. Should I just open the door just enough to slap my resignation letter in its face???

Hmm...*sigh*

If life is so short, how much wasted time will we survive???

Hyphenating Eyes

2007-05-18T02:01:00.000+08:00

It's 2.02 am. The TV idly on, just to break the silence of the night.
This is my life.

*SIGH* I could stare at them all night long. The-Tall-One on the other end of the bed and The-Tiny-One in between. If you looked hard and long enough, the three of us make the number 1.0...(ok, bad joke)

At the same time, I am oogling at the resignation letter I tendered before I left KPMG in 2004. Hmm.....how tempting it is right now to just change the addressee.....

Decisions decisions.....

Maybe I should just get pregnant again...besides, I already have a name for the next one.....ehehe.....(The-Tiny-One giving me a murderous stare...)

It's 2.16 am. I'm gonna go fry myself some chickenballs.
This is my life.

Long Live Nerryna!!!

2007-05-17T15:47:00.000+08:00

Here ye! Here ye!

Citizens of the Web,

Let us keep alive the domain of one of my favourite bloggers: Nerryna, the one with the odd but unique sight on life.....

Typical is a word you can never use to describe the things she blogs about. She is anything but normal. Call her crazy, call her out-of-this-world, this is truly one babe you should splurge your R.E.S.P.E.C.T. on.

Nerr, closing your blog would make me a miserable WWW surfer.....

Should nerryna cease to exist?

more at twiigs.com...

Oddity

2007-05-17T10:21:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...*sigh*...

It's only 10.23 am and of all wonderments in the world, I, Afti Rusli, have been super productive. Goodness knows what's wrong with me. And to think that I went to bed at 4 am last night or this morning or however you label time. As a self-confessed insomniac, it doesn't matter.

The shocking thing here, ladies and gents, is that it's only 10.23 am and I have so far loaded the washing machine TWICE!, hung one batch to dry, folded ALL the clothes and arranged Jai's workwear, I even laid out all my undergarments nicely into this lingerie box from Xixili which I personally find very oddly 'keperempuanan' of me (I'd normally just crumple everything together into a huge ball and campak into the drawer)...hmmm *sigh*...

I am so made for all this domestic, surirumah-ing business. And, and, and my OCD-ness helps k! If I could kan, I'd scrub every line between every tile of the bathroom floor so that they're all the same colour and they don't get jealous of each other if one is whiter than the other. That is if I could la...

Anyway, I am currently on an extended leave aka unpaid leave of one month (until 8 June that is) before I go back to work. I've been somewhat fickle over this matter lately. At one point I'd get overly excited about hustling over work again and the next minute I'd be all depressed that I'd have to deal with other human beings aside from 'The-Tiny-One'. Speaking of whom has been asleep since 8am, which is a real abnormality cos she usually wakes me up every hour or so to feed/talk/feed/talk/talk/feed/burp/change diaper/talk/bathe/feed/feed/talk...

But alas, this has been a rather extraordinary day. It's 10.43 am. I'm awake! How weird is that???

It would take a thousand workers to build a castle, a million soldiers to protect a country, but only ONE WOMAN to make a happy home...

2007-05-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

My career has never been my utmost priority. But it has always been an important part of my life. Somewhat a stressful escape into a world which I can wholly control. Err, well, perhaps not wholly...

I love my job.

This year, I got even more excited about work. The much anticipated promotion, the so-called huge pay rise, the journey into all that are migraine-inducing, life-consuming, BP-rising realm of consulting.....

All this whilst I was waiting for a new life to enter ours.

Then 5th March came.

All my hopes and aspirations did a 180.

All the money and adrenaline rush of the working world couldn't pull me away from my new priority. This change has caused quite a dilemma in our lives.

With all things said and done in terms of nurseries/maids/nannies/babysitters, I currently stand steadfast against all options of childcare by strangers. And having obsessive compulsive behaviour and a worry-er (got such word ke?) doesn't help at all! (speaking of OCD, I dropped our new Sony T100 on the floor and there's this super tiny dent which doesn't affect the performance of the camera really, but i can see it and i spent a looooonnnggg time staring at it hoping it would disappear, but today when i stared again, it's still there and it's bugging the hell out of me! so i tried my luck and told jai i wanna get a new one and he responded with a huge guffaw so that's the end of it...)

Anyway, ladies and gents, my name is Rubaiti Afti Rusli and I am a working mother.
By hook or by crook, I will make my job work for motherhood, cos I, for sure as heaven, will make motherhood work!!!

Muahahahhaheeyyookkkpptttuuiii!!!

2007-04-25T01:41:00.000+08:00

Frasier's dad, two nights back:

"I tried teaching them how to ride the bicycle, but we ended up in the hospital so many times, they sent Social Services on me..."

Ehehe....huhuhuhuhu......hahahhahahaha.......

Well I think it's funny ok.

While the boss is sleeping...

2007-04-11T07:43:00.000+08:00

It's high time I blogged again.

It's 7.42 am on a hot Wednesday morning...all the air-conds are blasting cool breeze throughout the house...and yet I feel as though there's embedded heat under my skin...something must be bothering me...

Natasha is about 37 days old today. Somebody asked me to blog about what labour was like. Ehehe.....will do.....not now, tengah weng gila. I can wrap it all up in two words: HILARIOUS & FUN! I'm not kidding. I recommend it to everyone who seeks excitement and adventure in their lives.....labour is the way to go!

Minus the absence of sleep, changing diapers, bathing a tiny human being, digging nose boogers so they can breathe, neonatal acne, back pain, hip pain, butt pain, lactation, annoying breast pads, ugly nursing bras, inability to fit into old clothes, inability to wear the ever comfy baju kelawar cos it makes it difficult to breastfeed, the waktu pantang yang tak pantang (i suck at confinement), the stubborn stretch marks, the dangling stretched skin that won't bounce back to place, constantly trying to avoid babytalk and figure out subjects to talk about to someone who either doesn't understand a word you're saying or just 'malas nak layan'...phew!...anyway, yeah, minus all that, having a baby rocks my world!!!

Speaking of finding subjects to talk about with Natasha, so far here's what I think she has learnt from our discussions:
1. Introduction of the five senses and how to use them
2. Right hand and right leg go first when putting clothes on
3. Don't show my middle finger to Mama ever again
4. It is unladylike to scratch your face to smitherins
5. Too much pink makes Mama sick
6. Difference between the sun and the moon, light and dark, am and pm - and how to apply the knowledge to make my parents happy
7. Just because I'm awake, does not mean my parents have to be
8. Raise my right arm for milk, both arms for someone to pick me up and pout if something big happened in my diapers
9. My Mama loves McD's so much that drinking her milk is like having a Happy Meal all the time!
10. My parents have no clue whatsoever

What Is It Like?

2007-03-16T00:11:00.000+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen,

we would like to introduce you to a glimpse (yes, glimpse i.e. handphone shot je, due to lack of kerajinan to find a real camera, I know, we're horrible, what's new?) anyway, where was I? Ah yes, we would like to introduce you to a glimpse of Afreen Natasha Mohamad Shahrizal...

What is it like?

Like falling in love...over and over again... :o)

Randomly aFToTz...

2007-03-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

1. I seriously enjoyed Dreamgirls. Can't help it. I'm a sucker for musicals.

2. I think it's rude when people ask you: "Dah meletup ke belum?" So, by asking that, are you expecting that at the end of 9 months, pregnant women are supposed to disintegrate into gazillion pieces??? Dumb dumb.

3. And no, I have not 'meletuped' yet.

4. I have been very much in the 'angau' mood lately. I am humbled and thankful that I married someone I keep falling in love with more and more each minute.....hmmm *sigh*. Damn Dreamgirls turned me all soppy.

5. Why don't I talk a lot about the baby? Because she/he is ours and ours alone and aside from the fact that it's almost 1a.m. and she/he is causing a tsunami in the tummy, there's nothing much to tell.....which brings me to the next loo break...brb.

6. Do I love children? My oh my YES! It's evident by the number of pics I put up of my nieces and nephew. Hmmm *sigh*.....

7. Speaking of which, for the last 2 weeks the 3 kiddos came back to Malaysia. On the first day, Rashid came down running from his room all excited and exclaimed: "Mama, mama, there's a windmill in my room!" And I thought: "Gosh, have I not been upstairs that long that I didn't even realise Papa installed a windmill? Why would we need a windmill anyway? Harga beras naik ke?" Then we all realised that he was talking about the ceiling fan. Hampeh tul budak kenit ni. Kipas pun tak pernah tengok!

8. The next day pulak, he came down the stairs, all bathed and clothed and shouted: "Good morning, everyone!!!" It was 2.30p.m...

9. Jai and I race home every afternoon, when possible, to reach home by 6.30, to catch Dragon Ball. If we miss the 6.30 show, we'll cancel all plans for the night and watch the 9p.m one. If we also miss that, then we'd watch the entire week's rerun on Saturday afternoon. YES. We're that addicted to Dragon Ball. You should watch it too. Tomorrow's should be an exciting one. Goku is going to fight King Piccolo for the second time! Gives me goosebumps just thinking bout it!

10. McD's Delivery is the best invention of all time.....